Dog on a String - Festival Page - Site for goth, punk rock, heavy metal and nu-metal in the north west

14th May

Morrrissons and B&Q's Ageist Employee Policy

Although I sure you'll all agree that its great that Morrissons and B&Q pursue a policy that actively employ the older section of society, at what age do they draw the line.

Being a regular shopper at Morrissons, I cant help feel that it is becoming a rest home for Boer War veterans. Yes I know that the older members of staff have a work ethic that has been breed into them and they are the sort of people that would go to work if they were in the advanced stages of Bubonic Plague......'Dont worry dearie I'm just a bit chesty today', but they are very slow. Sometimes I would like to be served by some surly teenager called Lambrini who talks over to her mate while serving you about how she was on the lash last night, feels as sick as a dog and how her boyfriend Damien was arrested again last night.

I got to the point of running up and down the aisles trying to find the cashier who cant remember what she was doing during WW2, you know, a sprightly 60 year old or thereabouts. the trouble is because they are so slow, the queue looks like the m25 at teatime.....'what punp number Is it love?...errr no I'm just in the queue to pay for my groceries'

It is very hard to be annoyed with them as well, because they are so helpful and nice...'Do you need help with your packing dear?...no you've got your hands full with registering my items....BARCODE FASTER WOMAN!!!' while what you thought was the sound of the crisp packaging around the iceberg lettuce is in fact the crackling of their arthritic fingers.
Also every item gets a running commentary...'Oooh you'll like this my Sid and me had some for our tea last night'

I've just realised that the flashing light above the till Is not a price check sign but a heart monitor attached to the cashier, when it starts flashing, the two female paramedics cunningly disguised as shop supervisors rush forward with the resuscitation paddles and oxygen to bring them back round....'Dont you die on us Violet, dont you f*****g die, you've another two hours of shift yet...STAT'

Still at least they are friendly unlike the B&Q staff. Last week I was walking around the gardening section when a grey haired chap in orange overalls come up to me and asked if I wanted decking, I couldn't believe it when I was arrested 10 minutes later, all I did was to get the first punch in!!!

11 May 2007

Eurovision Song Contest

Anybody see the semi finals....yes I know I shouldn't but I'm drawn to it like watching a serious accident, you know its wrong and uncomfitable viewing, but you cant take your eyes off it.

Do you notice how many countries are in it now?....most seem to be countries that used to be joined up but now seem to be split up into at least six separate states, crafty that using war, ethnic cleansing, insurrection and hatred going back a thousand years, so you can create your own nation, just so you can enter the Eurovision song contest....Montenegro only become a country in 2006, I've got a garden bigger than the country, in fact that was probably the whole population performing, what next, The Democratic Peoples Republic of Acacia Gardens!!!.....where the £*^k is Andorra, they aint kidding anyone, thats a cardigan isn't it?, I hardly consider calling yourself after an item of clothing 'good form'.......I'm entering my house next year......The Revolutionary Peoples Republic of Tartan Bondage Trousers....I reckon I've got a good chance of winning

24 Mar 2007

Chav crickets

Funny but I've only just thought of it, but the crickets remind me of chavs!! Not the band that supported Buddy Holly, but the black crunchy insects I feed to my bearded dragon, Draco.

They make loads of noise at night, breed like you wouldn't believe, all look identical, sit there waiting for you to feed them and fight amongst themselves.

Strangely though I do have feelings of guilt when I feed them to Draco, he doesn't, But I've got to the point of naming them, there's Chardonnay, Britney, Beyonce, Darren, Damien, Daryl, another Daryl, and Daryl.

Sadly they dont last long as Draco can eat up to 15 a time, Where are the giant bearded dragons roaming the streets when you need them.....Bearded dragons dont watch Jeremy Kyle, they dont have a sense of guilt....bring on the bearded dragons, housing Associations will disappear overnight...heh.heh

23 Mar 2007

Jeremy Kyle

Obviously having a business to run so Tory Blair can tax me to the hilt to give the money to his 'special friend' Bush to continue his grudge against random arab nations, or so 15yr old 'pramface' Chardonnay can have the best in housing, soft furnishings and designer Burberry pushchairs, I get very little time to watch Jeremy Kyle.

Although what little of his show I've seen is good. I do like his tough approach with the slouching, hands in pockets, sneering, job dodging, waste of a functioning pair of kidneys types that he gets on the programme. I can just seeing him waving back security as one of the interviewee's, coming down off whatever drug he's taken that day, realising he's back to reality and kicks off...'Alright lads, this ones mine' pulling brass knuckles from the pocket of his perfectly tailored suit.

It also gives the opportunity for a DNA test...a great relief to poor Chardonnay who isn't sure which of the five lads sitting next to her is the father.....well she was shitfaced on Lambrini and remembered waking up to find her knickers on back to front.

What I do want to know is as a taxpayer are all the DNA results being forwarded on to the police, thus cutting down their time finding petty villians, so they can concentrate on real crime

21 Mar 2007

Chav Watching. Lesson 2. Sock Length

On my way to start work...WORK a word that is almost like waving a crucifix at a vampire, to a chav, I happened to watch a couple of chavs walking to the job centre, obviously there was a 'special' on benefits claiming or something, when I happened to notice the difference in socks tucked into tracky bottoms length.

Now I had heard somewhere that the length of sock showing, equates to how 'hard' the individual is.

Now this got me thinking to at what point does the aspiring young chav, decide he's a little harder today than yesterday. Does he push back the quilt in a morning, brush aside the empty Burger King packaging and Kestrel lagar cans and say to himself 'I'll increase sock length by another 1/2 inch today, I'm ready to face that challenge.

Or Is the process of raising sock length down to a more disiplined process that is laid down in guidelines raised and voted on by a higher chav council.

Maybe there are the equivelant of martial arts schools, where the awards aren't belts of different colours, but defined sock lengths, graded in inch high segments.

The 'Chavmaster' would put the pupil through a series of disciplines, waiting until someone has gone more than 50 yards before shouting abuse, walking in a mysterious way(that strange rolling strut), 'Wiggaspeak' lessons, the seduction of 13 year old females called Chardonnay, how to avoid work, watching Jeremy Kyle, appearing on Jeremy Kyle(black belt equivelant) and finally the chav version of the 'Kung Fu' series of walking on rice paper without leaving a mark, getting out of a bathroom window backwards with a dvd player under his arm without alerting the neighbours.

How long can it be before the competition is so fierce that we will be seeing chav's standing on street corners in thigh length socks, Maybe another idea would be Nike and Reebok bringing out tracky's in ever shorter lengths so the socks can be worn pulled up without that unsightly 'bumpy' look.

07 Mar 2007

XSceneX...XconfusedX

X Maybe X someome can help me out there. X I've always thought that I'm cool and have reached X rock Icon X status but it appears I'm not X SCENE!!!! X

X Now I've always since being a punk rocker from 1977 worn leopard spots and black drainpipes (SCENE) and pyramid stud belts (SCENE) and those cool arab scarves(new romantic,very 80's but now (SCENE)...never got into the hair covering one eye (Phil Oakey-Human League) but now just can't seem to cut it X SCENE X wise...What am I doing wrong???......Is it because I dont put enough XXX's in my messages or because that X screamo X music is so shite I cant appreciate it!!!!XXX.....I've put some ZZZZZ's in just to be on the safe side.